Freedom from Family Dysfunction by Kenneth Perlmutter

Author:Kenneth Perlmutter
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
Published: 2019-08-25T16:00:00+00:00

What Were You Valued and Praised For?

We learned what mattered about ourselves from the way people in our families of origin responded to us and treated us. We drew conclusions about what was good, important, and valuable. Through this early conditioning, we took on powerful beliefs about ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses, our abilities, and what qualities to display (and what aspects of ourselves we should hide). Encouraging messages came in the form of direct praise (“You’re much prettier with your hair pulled back like that” or “Now that’s a report card we should frame”), or nonverbal cues like smiles, nods, or winks. Similarly, discouraging messages could be overt (“I don’t know why you want to go out looking like that”) or indirect (“You wonder how that Jimmy kid gets so much playing time? Maybe it’s because he can hit”) or through more subtle, nonverbal communications like a look over the top of the eyeglasses, a sigh (of disgust), or members exchanging glances of disapproval with one another.

Too often, we were valued or praised for what others wanted us to be rather than what mattered most to us. Sports performance, grades, appearance and grooming, following directions or upholding family rules are among the most common responses to this question. While these are certainly important, and many tried to achieve in these ways, members of chaotic, disorganized, dangerous, or unpredictable environments wished for more attention, stability, looking out for each other, direction, guidance, or simply spending time together. Recall the list under “Deprivation” in “more of” from chapter 4.

Surprisingly, many adults who grew up in wounded family systems say they received no praise. In that situation, most people will make up a story for themselves about what’s important or act out in ways to get noticed and at least receive some negative attention.

As you consider this question, ask what you value and praise in the others in your family of today. How well does what you praise them for match what they genuinely value for themselves? Do you let them know?

The next three questions begin a deeper inquiry into the family system itself. A common form of system pressure is identified, followed by a look at how that pressure caused problems and the ways in which members coped.

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